Talk:Watch Out Now/@comment-3575890-20150516130749
I hate that I have this self-centered thought, but I am so incredibly saddened by the fact that my birthday will always now be the anniversary of my grandmother's death. It just is so unfair that the day that marks the anniversary of one of the happiest days of my mother's life, now also doubles as the most miserable day of her life. I feel like my birthday will only ever bring her pain and misery from now on, and I feel sick about it. I don't even feel like it's a day worth celebrating anymore. My extended family sees it differently though. They insist that it's a blessing; that grandma and I are forever bound now, and that the day that commemorates my birth now is also a celebration of grandma's life. I wish I could see it that way. Maybe one day I will. As far as I know, she had a peaceful passing. I wasn't there, but my mom was, and apparently grandma passed with all of her children by her side. I am so happy that she didn't die alone and was surrounded by her loved ones. The most astonishing thing mom told me is that just before grandma took her last breath, a single tear rolled down her cheek. I want to believe that in her final moments, she remembered everything, was aware of her daughters and sons by her side, left this world completely at peace with herself, and thus that tear was one of relief and happiness. That much seems to at least bring mom some comfort, but of course she's still absolutely inconsolable right now as I knew she would be. Grandma was the closest person in mom's life and out of all her siblings, though they're all heartbroken, she is taking it the hardest. It kills me to see her like this. At the same time, I miss her so much too. I keep flashing back to a point in time that my mom, brother and I lived with her and grandpa. That was the closest we ever were to her, and in those times, we have no shortage of memories to recall. Looking back now, those will always be some of the fondest memories I will ever have to cherish for as long as I live. I just so wish that I had more memories with her in my adulthood. My own fault though. I couldn't cope with her condition, and I lost the chance to have more valuable memories. Now all I have are an abundance of memories from my childhood that slowly begin to wane into adulthood until there's barely anything there, and I can never compensate for that. And it kills me right now. Nearly all of my memories of her are from when I was a child and young teen. Beyond that, she barely knew me as an adolescent, and didn't know me as an adult at all because by then her memories had completely deteriorated. The thing is, in spirit she's been gone for so long, I can't remember the last time I even heard her voice in recent years. In a way, I had initially felt like she had died a long time ago, but I was wrong. That feeling of finality was nothing compared to this. I'm tired of weeping and in particular, doting on a past I can't change, but all I can think about is her and all that's lost. The last time I lost a loved one was the passing of my grandfather, and I was SO close to that man up to his dying day - he was a second father to me - and losing him hurt like hell of course, but I also had so many memories to look back on that helped me to have my closure. This is so different. I have so few recent memories of her, and in particular, I can't remember the last time that she even knew who I was, and that's what hurts most. I just don't know how I can deal with this when I'm filled with so much regret and must relive this day every year on my birthday. I need closure, but I don't know how to get it. I am grateful for this though; I was fortunate enough to see her after she had passed. When I entered the room and first saw her still in her bed, I could have sworn that she was just sleeping. She looked the most peaceful I've ever seen her in years. And there wasn't a single dry eye in the room including my father, stone cold man he usually is. Even the care providers mourned for her. Everybody loved her so much. Although she unfairly suffered for many years, she undoubtedly lived a long and fulfilling life and touched the lives of so many people. I've never been one to believe in Heaven, but I hope wherever she is that she is happy. She always had the heart and soul of an angel, and now she is one. R.I.P., Grandma. I love you.